From the fantasies of one partner, to the fantasies of both, to assessing each partners desires and exploring alone and together how to imagine and manifest a new shaped Femdom sex life.
A portion of my practice as a coach and mentor is dedicated to support people who either wish to explore their sexuality and have found that BDSM and/or kink speaks to them or those who already practice a form of Femdom based BDSM and/or kink.
I get requests for support when fairly new Dominants wish to have hands-on mentoring in real time in order to learn and/or develop certain skills as well as deepen their understanding of the psychology of BDSM and kink. These dominants may or not be in a committed relationship.
I also get request for support from couples who wish to deepen their practice and address issues they encounter which prevents them to fully enjoy their renewed sexuality and intimacy with each other.
The balancing of desires is often an underlying cause of tension between partners in a couple. This goes for vanilla as well a kinky and BDSM partners.
It can reveals itself as couples, who are in the midst of transforming their vanilla sex life into a form of BDSM and/or kink one, start experiencing discrepancies which are not always obvious to acknowledge.
Balancing desires presupposes that both partners have a sense of what they like and wish to experience, that they are aware of their sexual fantasies and that they are prepared to talk openly with each other.
Research has shown that “greater sexual self-disclosure leads to greater emotional intimacy, which in turn facilitates increased sexual satisfaction” (MacNeil & Byers, 1997). Furthermore, other studies have shown the link between sexual assertiveness, attachment orientation and sexual satisfaction: “sexual assertiveness is one distinct mechanism in the pathway between attachment orientation and sexual satisfaction. Further, this mediational model was significant for both genders separately.” (Eklund, R. & Hjelm, A. from Örebro University 2017).
KNOW THYSELF, KNOW YOUR PARTNER: Fantasy & reality
“Fantasy mirrors desire. Imagination reshapes it.” Mason Cooley
Perhaps I am doomed to retrace my steps under the illusion that I am exploring, doomed to try and learn what I should simply recognise, learning a mere fraction of what I have forgotten. Andre Breton
I ask each partner independently a series of questions which help them think about their sexual fantasies, what they already know they like and what they believe they would like to explore. I ask them what they wish to feel emotionally as well as physically. I ask them how they see themselves in the psychosexual game of avatars. Starting the investigation at the fantasy level, offers a playground where everything is possible. It is creative, unencumbered by reality and logistics. It allows for little nuggets which may be lodged in the darkness to come to the surface. At this point it is crucial to be as uncensored as possible. This investigation looks at recurring images, dreams, passages in literature, paintings, photos, films sequences that have a strong erotic pull for each of the partners.
Once, the fantasy world has been examined, the investigation focuses on what each partner would like to experience in reality, it helps shape the play, highlights hard - taboos - and soft limits - maybe one day -. Because it brings back each partner to reality, it helps formulate how this dynamic could play out and be integrated into a more conventional life for instance, or how a 24/7 could look like. One soon discovers that there are as many ways to manifest a D/s or M/s dynamic as they are couples. It is most relevant here to have integrity with oneself.
For the Dominant, it is also a place where they can think on exploring skills and techniques they might want to develop.
Then the questionnaire looks at one’s partner, what the “investigator” knows about them sexually, emotionally, what they think their wonderful partner would like, dislike, where they could be curious, open. Here again, we look at avatars which, for being somewhat clichés, can help to start the elaboration and / or the development of a character.
We examine what could prevent such a dynamic to manifesting: we look at fear, shame, past problems, residue of anger, how they may trip up this amazing plan of creating intimacy.
This personal investigation is a crucial step: not only to have a better sense of oneself sexually and emotionally, but also because it serves as a foundation for the next step of communication and exploration with your partner. Through honest communication, vulnerability, we become sexually assertive as well as curious. Through being open, we can build intimacy, well-being and joy.
NAVIGATING UNCHARTED WATERS: Communication, Vulnerability, Trust, Intimacy
“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” Rollo May
Now comes the time of sharing what each partner has learned during the personal enquiry phase. The key here is trust, curiosity, transparency, deep listening and setting uninterrupted amount of time for both of you to share and compare.
It helps to not interrupt whilst one is talking and to paraphrase here and there. Make mental notes of questions you may have, or various feeling that a particular topic may have triggered but don’t ask questions until you both have shared.
This initial sharing will probably surprise both of you: I may confirm some things you thought you knew about your partner, it may as well highlight things that had completely escaped you. It may trigger emotions positive was well as negative, be gentle with yourself and with your partner. Remember to be curious, to trust yourself and your partner and the process. You are exploring each other psychosexual landscape, you are being open to each other, it is sexy to navigate uncharted waters. I find it helps when I remind my coachees that this is akin to playing, albeit without the accoutrements of BDSM and Kink.
Be really aware of your partner as well as yourself, notice their breathing, their body posture, their eyes. Be totally with them, whilst remaining centred.
When we enter the realm of the unknown, libido wakes up. It can be scary, embarrassing, sometimes daunting. Feel the sensations that accompany the feelings, don’t push them aways, don’t resist them, take your time and if you can, embrace the discomfort. The sensations and feelings may morph into something incredibly hot and flowing or tickling and light like butterflies and silver fishes. You are creating a virtuous cycle.
If the discomfort is too much for one of you, you might want to call for a short timed pause that you both agree on: 5 to 15’ is enough. During this time, give each other space, don’t engage with other people -in real life or on your telephone- and resume the conversation.
Remember the aim of this first conversation is to share and listen, to re-establish trust and intimacy. Later on, you will have other conversations about exploring how you two can manifest a D/s relationship that nurture both, set intentions, and determine how it may look like in reality for you two.
Nothing great is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig. I answer you that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen. Epictetus
As with the previous stage, the conversation can be done on your own or with the support of an intimacy coach or therapist, preferably versed in the subtleties of BDSM and Kink.
I wish you wonderful, authentic exchanges and hot connection!
I’ll be happy to discuss with you how I may support you: contact me for an appointment